mon oncle 2

sadi abdullah was not even 25 (i was 14) when i met him but i called him uncle ('mama') cuz some kids i knew were his nieces. from that day onward, he became another constant source of support and guidance in my life. another surrogate father. he took this responisbility seriously and well. later, he went on to get me admitted to the DU econ program by pulling strings i didn't even know he had his hands on. he was much too young for that kind of influence but he made it happen. that's why i had to mention him in the acknowledgments section of my phd dissertation. without him, as far as i can tell, there would not have been a phd in econ for me.
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he was a good ally to have on your side. he was exceptionally bright and outgoing. in bangladesh, we consider someone good looking if they don't "look" bangladeshi. so essentially, they would have to have fairer skin, longer nose, straight hair. they would also have to be tall and muscular. my mama "did not look like a bangladeshi". my adolescent friends would be fawning all over him at my birthday parties. they would be jealous if he expressed his high opinions of me. it was a hoot. we both rolled around laughing after each of these meetings. from what i can recall, he was never interested in any girl i knew.
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when he was young, he fell off a rickshaw on the way back from school once. his upper lip was badly cut from the fall. later in life, he grew a moustache to hide the scarring.
he'd also had a slight stammer until his early teens. somehow - through some kind of mind-over-matter type practice - he overcame this stammer on his own. so much so that if you didn't know abt the history, you would never guess he had ever had a speech impediment.
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he wanted to study economics, but his family - nice but quite traditional - wanted one of the boys to get into med school and the other into engineering. he got the latter. he hated it but stuck it out because it was his nature to do so. he never forgave himself for it.
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the day my sister got married, he held my hand. late at night in all that mayhem, he held my hand even though i did not ask him to. nor did i express any emotions to convey to anyone that i needed to be held at all. i projected a strong exterior - smiling, mingling and being a good host on the outside. dressed awkwardly, feeling lost and devastated on the inside. u c, i would go home that night to a house and room i had shared with my sister for 24 years. i did not know what it was like to sleep alone. and he saw through all my masks and held me tightly by the hand. i can thank him for many kindnesses and favors done over a number of years but i could never thank him enough for that night.
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in 2001, the day i was about to leave and just starting on my way to the airport, he arrived at the house breathless. he hugged me tightly and then got in the car with me. all the way to the airport, once again, he held my hand in between his. we didn't say anything earth shattering. we didn't share our inner most thoughts of deep, abiding affection for each other. instead we talked abt what we normally do - the world and our prospects in it. the dreams we had for greatness and fame and prosperity. our usual, easy going, witty banter. but the gesture said what was most important. we grew up in a society were men and women are not physically demonstrative towards each other. even if they are family. brother-sisters, dads-daughters, uncles-nieces, aunts-nephews... and here he was - not even a blood relative (in every other sense, i believe we are related). but there he was. openly affectionate to let me know what my presence meant to him. how much he cared. how much i'd be missed.
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in 2002, i met a different man in dhk. he did not appear to even recognize me. he was trying too hard to become a successful business magnate. i got angry at his indifference and wrote him a somewhat nasty letter. i regret having written that so much now but i can't undo what's been done. it was rash and unjustified. it was unnecessarily angry and bitter. after years of unconditional affection, he deserved more understanding from me. he deserved the benefit of the doubt. if i'd learned anything from him - anything about patience and fortitude and selflessness - i wouldn't have done what i did.
instead, i let him down.